real dreams

11:20am: OK.
so this is iT! everything i have done will ultimately culminate in a meeting this friday. I need an answer. I need to move forward and know where to go. I know that it has come to this for a reason. IT's time to GO. all i need is Nny, an hopefully "daughter" to come with me!
The waiting is hard!

11:38pm: thoughts
I am so happy. things are coming together. there is progress.
I have decided to take a new approach to understanding and change.
and i hope everything ends so everything can change.
I'm ready.to go with. U. And the next record fuckin rocks!

6:51pm: honeydews
i just got back from antigua with johnny and it was beautiful! we had a wonderful honeymoon, and the wedding was amazing. if anybody cares to respond, what does marriage mean to u?

7:23pm: husband bubs
i have been reflecting a lot...my birthday is coming up, and i am soon to be a married woman. A long time ago my step-dad said i'd marry someone with sandy brown hair. he's right. if nny's hair was natural, that's his color.
funny.
we can't alawys talk about stuff that's too emotional yet. but i know we will.
i know i'm really loved...but its natural too question things more when ur gonna be married. i love him ..i guess that's all i need.

11:17am: motherfucker
i was so excited about motherfucker, and unfortunately (aside from my friends) everything SUCKED. At least its only 64 degrees today, and i can enjoy the day.
sometimes being human is great, but other times sucks bad. Same with idealism. What makes a person change for the BETTER in relationships? how do u change? do u talk about a problems to solve them? How do u solve problems? seems like a stoopid question, but I'm curious. unfortunately at times it seems like those closest to u have no clue, and don't understand, often paving the way to point out to you that your difference of mind (and idealism) IS the problem.(and therefore your the stoopid one) Hell, I don't know about u,. but I'm willing to change. I'm willing to put the needs of the whole, above the needs of myself in art and love.
so when I say sure I'll change..BUT..u have to as well maybe u should realize u do the same things i do.

5:52pm: hubs
i love my hubs more tna ever! We went to bed , bath , and beyong and picked out our wedding registry! yeah! I went over rui's with nny nny and drank killer drinks, and was puking, and dry heaving bile all day saturday! The worst ever, and i only had 2 drinks!
My bubs is being a really good hubs lately. 2 more months til halloween wedding

1:06pm: i can't wait until the wedding! I am so excited! I've never been so happy!I'm really looking forward to Bronx Zoo tommorow with the families.
It'll be nice to go upstate for awhile too.
I miss weebs. And home cooked nanny meals. poppys fat belly. but not donna's annoying voice. too bad:( oh well. i miss nee nee already! fuck 3 orgasms in a row! he's the best

9:06pm: wweee hoo. record done. family just left..mother still annoying.i still love nny nny...and i'm going to see skinny puppy. yeah

1:54pm: i haven't been writing since our work computer was confiscated...oh well.
i have never been this happy with my life....and where its going.....everything just came together...right now is like one of those moments when the confusion stops......but the difference is....it hasn't gone away yet.

4:09pm: so.....it was a strange experience filming yesterday. I discovered that i don't like inflicting large doses of cruelty on people....black and blues ok....blood...gross.......

so the record is pretty much done....hooray......and my nny's birthday is monday....and i am going to celebrate it starting friday night...i can't wait...i love spoiling him....he deserves it....

and he will get a cute spiky velvet collar....and be my johnny kitty.....maybe some pink underwear.....hmm.....

does anyone know what jewish holiday it is now?

1:26pm: so it was my first day back after the illegal raid. not a bad day. today i'm doing corporal for a video. (which means i have to beat someone who enjoys it).
my fiance is calling me bubba lately....and he's on the shitter reading hitchikers guide to the galaxy..and i just wanna do it.

12:40pm: so there are obviously rules....and things to know...like an undercover can't make an arrest naked....so...if they don't take off their shorts.....its suspicious.

so my friend mentioned a massager.to her"client" (cop).....so that's it....one cannot assist climax with a massager.......

its not legal.....

i don't think i have anything to worry about so i'm headin back in next week.
i love my fiance! and i get to spend some fuckin time with him! and today we get our rings!!!!

12:42pm: an undercover with a weight was banginmg on the dungeon door yesterday.
and eventually broke it down. we thought he was a crazy....
he was dressed normal..didn't say he was police....
they took my id and let me go....everyone else was handcuffed and taken in for questioning..
.dungeons are legal.....yet i believe that they were chraged with suspicion of prostitution.....
THat was NOT going on....how is this legal? no search warrant.....nothing.... its good to be home

11:12pm: what
today was a what????!!!!!!!! day.
you..know.......those days when your like ?????!!!!!what?????!!!!!!!
well.....
that's it....
aside from my !!!!what???? I went rollerballing with NY..nee
and i hugged a pole like a koala....
and old ladies laughed...and a doorman said i could die...
and fun was had by all.

especially me. me. because my ne nee acted really well...and was caring and considerate.....just like a good guy should be.

later

7:30pm: love
love..what is love to you?

I've been thinking about it.
and i think that its more than i could ever speak but here's a few things-

when you never lie -not even a white one...or withold info...
when you could never cheat on someone..no matter what happens....(unless they cheat on you)

When you trust someone completely

.... and KNOW they don't mean you any harm...NO MATTER WHAT They say or do....
(in a moment of insanity...or sanity)

when you miss someone so much every second your away..and feel the ache in your heart..and know they feel it too!

when you know that you'd be there if they lost their hair...or became impotent....
or got sick or hurt.

when you can say and do anything you want..at any given moment with them

when you can say that ARE overcoming the skeletons in your closet and moving toward peace.

when you are growing and becoming richer with every moment...good, bad or indifferent

when you do little things you know will make your lover happy....
like dishes...or bringing them a POM!

lastly....when you dream... about making love...and when you enjoy making love no matter what happens.

when you can't go to bed angry....

and when you can't leave them.. even though you threaten to walk out for a night..
you only get within a mile radius and come back.

when you stop threatening altogether cos u know you could NEVER follow thru with it.

when u can correct your lovers misunderstandings before it turns into a fight

when you know what your lovers turn ons and turn offs..and ticks are....
and work with them positively

and when you balance them out wholly and unconditionaly... different.opposite
yet ONE AND THE SAME

I LOVE MY ME ME!

8:40pm: i am so excited. i lost 5 lbs!!!!!first five is always rough.
i haven't smoked a cig in awhile, or had a drink!
I made some money this week.
i did great vocals today.
and i am excited about getting my bass back....
and getting the show on the road with my fiance......
let's rock....MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN

9:54pm: well now. not much to say...but i am watching Gia, and am very turned on...so i must go home and make love to my pookie, Johnny. he is the most beautiful pet i've ever had. he is always skootchin me by tickling me and lickin my nose, and using me as his sweet punching bag (playfully)...so i'm going to forcefully suffocate him by putting my poon in his face....he's been a bad boy

10:38pm: goddam body..headache..ughhhh,
gotta make someone an ash tray at 11:30....if they show.
i'm hungry

gotta do what ya gotta do....

9:07pm: trip.
end of june....mayan ruins...LA...Santa Barbarba?????

Hunnymoon.....Venice????Hawaii????Mayan ruins????

8:11pm: i want to see if i can leave my body during sex tonight..like i did in yoga once...and when i'm asleep tonight... i want to explore more....

what is this thing inside this body?

8:33pm: the tv show friends last episodes suck ass. oh well. i want to go out someplace dancing soon and dance all night to fuck music. mindless self indulgence kicks ass.
but why do big hairy fat guys insist on throwing themselves around and stage diving?
don't they know that they can really hurt us girls?

so my nan had heart pains, and i hope she ends up being ok.

and my fiance did some great vocals.

he's gonna get tied up, and i'm gonna make him into a girl. i am gonna get him a cage soon. that i will lock him in when he's bad. and i'm gonna leave a water bowl, and if he's lucky some toilet paper and a garbage can if he needs to pee or poo.

that's it. my cage boy.

8:33pm: the tv show friends last episodes suck ass. oh well. i want to go out someplace dancing soon and dance all night to fuck music. mindless self indulgence kicks ass.
but why do big hairy fat guys insist on throwing themselves around and stage diving?
don't they know that they can really hurt us girls?

so my nan had heart pains, and i hope she ends up being ok.

and my fiance did some great vocals.

he's gonna get tied up, and i'm gonna make him into a girl. i am gonna get him a cage soon. that i will lock him in when he's bad. and i'm gonna leave a water bowl, and if he's lucky some toilet paper and a garbage can if he needs to pee or poo.

that's it. my cage boy.

6:47pm: marriage
i said yes to the best man/woman i've ever met and could ever stay loyal to forever. now my biggest dream is coming true. he loves me the same way i love him.
finally...the security of eternal love.... and 2 beautiful rings. black diamonds.13.
transedental love. my immortal soul has been joined with its other half. now i can die.. and never come back here again ....alone.nevermore. joined as two ...forever one.

7:07pm: he loves me? he......loves me not? will he? won't he? i know... i don't know......i will know soon...forever...no more questions.

9:13pm: i am really excited. i've never walked around chinatown before. i've only driven by it. i don't know what i'm missing, hopefully it'll be really cool. since johnny loves it and i'm basically the female version, just thicker with a vagina, and more of an asshole.